Style Conversational Week 1403: Do adjust your set The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week’s contest and results Bob Staake's cartoon from 2011 to illustrate Nan Reiner's parody of the “Brady Bunch” theme that told the tale of the “Gosselin Gang,” of the reality show “Kate Plus Eight.” We're back to TV shows with this week's contest — and you don't have to write a song. Bob Staake's cartoon from 2011 to illustrate Nan Reiner's parody of the “Brady Bunch” theme that told the tale of the “Gosselin Gang,” of the reality show “Kate Plus Eight.” We're back to TV shows with this week's contest — and you don't have to write a song. By Pat Myers September 24, 2020 at 5:29 p.m. EDT Add to list I personally don’t watch much TV. That’s a significant understatement, really: Whole weeks go by when I don’t turn it on; I barely know how to operate the remote. It’s not that I’m snobbish against television; I’m sure, in fact, that I’m missing out on lots of shows I’d enjoy. It’s just that sitting down in the living room in front of the screen hasn’t been part of my daily routine ever since I started working nights at The Post in 1982. (The Royal Consort and I have caught up on a few select series over the years through Netflix, etc., but we still, for example, haven’t gotten up to the last season of “The West Wing.”) But that doesn’t mean we can’t do TV humor in The Style Invitational, like this week’s contest, Week 1403, suggested by Newbie Loser Bill Bouyer. For one thing, My Friend Google can tell me lots of handy info about your favorite show. And for another, this contest’s conceit — updating the story line with a covid-19 theme or another current issue — especially lends itself to reaching back to older shows. While I often fret that the Invite’s humor is rooted stubbornly in the pop culture of the preceding century (especially in music references), the fact is that back then, the most popular TV shows were watched by vastly more people than any given one is these days (except the Super Bowl and some of its ilk). Hank Stuever, The Post’s TV critic, pointed out in an essay this week that the era of the shared TV experience may well be over, done in by the enormous quantity of programming and array of platforms that prevents even Hank, who’s paid to watch TV all day, from taking in. While the “Game of Thrones” finale has been seen by 19 million people — certainly a water-cooler number — it’s practically a niche audience compared with the 76 million who watched the “Seinfeld” finale in 1998. Or of “M*A*S*H,” to which 106 million viewers joined the group hug. So all I’m saying is to lay on me whatever you like. AD Week 1403 does require more than simple wordplay on the title, a tack that works for many of our contests. But we’ve had lots of successful ink in the past with contests about the actual content of the shows. Here’s one that asked to describe the show or movie in limerick form. Among the TV programs mentioned in the results of the results of Week 974: “Survivor” Contestants from Nome to Hoboken Will vie for a totem or token. It may defy reason — Its 20th season! The upshot: The tripe has now spoken. (Mike Gips) “The Big Bang Theory” Caltech’s a big deal on TV, And its physicist-nerds are the key. “The Big Bang Theory” speaks In the language of geeks: PhD = BMOC. (Chris Doyle) “I Dream of Jeannie” The love life of a brave astronaut’ll Be something a blond babe who’s hot’ll Enhance. She’ll entrance If she wears harem pants, AD Calls him “Master” and lives in a bottle. (Chris O’Carroll) “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” Do you know why the sisters Kardashian Have a show that they’re paid to look trashy in? The answer is sad: The world has gone mad, And talent has grown out of fashi-on. (Robert Schechter) And we even had a contest in which the Losers had to write whole theme songs, a la “The Beverly Hillbillies,” about a TV show, using any tune. The results were truly classic. You can see the complete results of Week 929 here; below are the top four winners. 1. “Kate Plus 8” (sung to the “Brady Bunch” theme) by Nan Reiner Here’s the story of a girl named Katie, Who was poor and living in a trailer park. All she wanted in her life was to be wealthy; On this she would embark. It’s the story of a man so shady He would happily exploit his kids and wife. AD ADVERTISING These two kindred spirits met and formed a couple, And so began their life. They went out and got a multiple conception, And resolved to get some bucks for their big bang, So they whelped and then they hawked their cute sextuplets: That’s the way they all became the Gosselin Gang. (The Gosselin Gang, the Gosselin Gang … ) But this fouled-up family couldn’t last forever: Jon was restless, and his wife was quite the shrew. When she caught him in the sack with other women, The Gosselin Gang was through. But the lady wasn’t gonna give up easy. On the gravy train she’d labored to create. She convinced the TV folks to keep it going: That’s the way they turned it into “Kate Plus Eight.” 2. A PBS Evening (to “Wonderful World”) by Brendan Beary The invasion of Normandy; Specials on seismology; Shows to help you make a greener house; AD A performance of “Die Fledermaus.” No one else has the shows we do, Yeah, but first we want to hear from you, So we need you to pick up the phone. It’s not easy here at PBS; Ledger sheets are an awful mess. Big-name sponsors are cutting back; It’s been tough to stay in the black. So the way we keep the lights turned on Is a nonstop cajole-athon, And we need you to pick up the phone. Well, pledge campaigns instead of commercials Seemed an even trade, But lately we’re holding them 24-7, Just to see the bills are paid … You can see we’re not getting rich; Viewers hate our bait-and-switch. You just want the shows we said we’d air — Moving coffee mugs will get us there. If you deadbeats don’t send the dough, Cookie Monster has to be let go, So we need you to pick up the phone. 3. “CSI” (to “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood”) by Jeff Brechlin AD It’s a beautiful day for an autopsy! Let’s cut this guy open so we can see His intestines … and his liver. Then let’s open his stomach, what do you say? To see what he had with that chardonnay. Would you hand me … that skull chisel? I have always wanted to take a closer look inside, To roll my sleeves up, dig right in, and find out how they died. So I’ll pick up a scalpel, and you will too, We’ll damn the torpedoes and rip right through. Would you hand me … his left kidney? Let’s just cut him open. 4. “Toddlers and Tiaras” (to the “Mary Tyler Moore” theme) by Kathy Hardis Fraeman They can turn the world on with their smiles. (Maybe not the whole wide world, but certainly turn on the pedophiles.) With their makeup and fancy dresses We know that they’re wearing diapers and making messes. Toddlers and tiaras! Temper tantrums! AD Phony teeth and hair! The crazy-rant moms! B abies are told to shake their butts. Their mothers clearly must be nuts. Jestivation*: The summer fictoids of Week 1399 *Non-inking headline suggested by both Tom Witte and Chris Doyle As we also did for winter (Week 1360) and spring (1381), in Week 1399 we asked for fictoids, or fake trivia, about the summer, or things that happen (or happened) in summer. As this week’s results show, at least a couple dozen of you offered up some Fascinating Facts-not, though a lot of the non-inking entries seemed to be either straining to be funny or just off the mark. But Jeff Rackow was spot on with his revelation that cotton candy is now made of polyester — and wins the Lose Cannon as just his third blot of Invite ink; the other two were from this past summer. But to judge from his ink so far (plus some almosts) I’m expecting to memorize Jeff’s prize-mailing address. AD The rest of the Losers’ Circle was stocked with Familiars, as were the honorable mentions: Stephen Dudzik is one of a very few Losers to have blotted up ink in all 28 years of the Invite, starting in Week 7; Art Grinath dates from almost as far back, Week 106. Frank Osen waited until Week 938 to find us out in Pasadena, but has more than made up for lost time; and in recent weeks can’t stop winning the whole contest. There were a few entries that I was about to use until I realized that, even stretching like one of those rhythmic gymnasts, I couldn’t say they had anything to do with summer. One was from Steve: “The South Pacific atoll of Bikini is the only habitat of Bikini bikinis, an oddly shaped reptile with two lumps on its head and a triangular mouth.” Fake facts about bathing suits are summer. Fake facts about fake animals that look like bathing suits are not summer. AD Another I would have liked was from Rob Huffman, who I think was channeling our “Year in Preview” contest we do in December, “predicting” various events. “In June 1966, young tycoon Donald Trump throws out his ceremonial first tenant.” You didn’t get to just make up an event and arbitrarily say it happened in the summer. Opening Day in baseball is in April. And this one brought just a WOW from me, because it actually sounds all too true. It’s from Marli Melton, writing from fire-threatened Carmel Valley, Calif.: “Scientists have recently shown that trying to write humorous fictoids when it is 115 degrees F and smoky outside; beaches, theaters, and other cooling places are closed because of the pandemic; and there is no AC or nighttime cooling, is generally hopeless, even when you put ice cubes down your back every 10 minutes.” No AC! I hope things have cooled and cleared for you, Marli. What Doug Dug: The faves of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood came from the honorable mentions: Mike Gips’s unfortunately named “Summer of Haight,” Kevin Dopart’s “Hurricane Sharpie,” Mark Raffman’s winner of the three-legged race at Chernobyl (one person); and Kevin’s political zinger about the 1965 Voting Rights Act. Duncan Stevens on his Secrets of Ink Success! Episode 4 of ‘You’re Invited’ Mike Gips’s new podcast all about The Style Invitational just dropped the latest episode Tuesday (after this it goes from weekly to a saner-for-all monthly). This time Mike interviews Hall of Fame Loser Duncan Stevens, who’s holding a Secretariat-like lead in this year’s standings over Usual Leader Jesse Frankovich, with 78 blots of ink just since March. Duncan tells about his casual start in the Invite not all that many years ago, how he started to take it seriously after co-workers would ask him why his name wasn’t in the paper that week, how he comes up with entries, and how he decides what to submit. The best part, though, is when he and Mike crack up over their favorites among last week’s Invite winners, and Duncan also offers up some favorites he’s savored while reading through the Invite archives. (Duh, he reads the Invite archives.) While Mike tells me that you should now be able to find You’re Invited on Apple Podcasts, you can always go to bit.ly/invite-podcast and find a list of all the half-hour shows. Well, it’s not as nice as a horse with backward legs, but … Bob Staake’s Stunner Did you all see Bob Staake’s sure-to-be-iconic New Yorker cover this week — and fittingly titled “Icons” — in memory of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg? It’s stunning. I’m glad that Bob finds these little jobs to do to supplement his Great Work of making Invite cartoons every week. By the way: Bob does sell his Invite art, and has a special page where you can buy an original sketch or your favorite pen-and-ink final (without the electronic coloring that’s done later on a scanned copy). It’s on his website at bobstaake.com/SI. Wishing those who celebrate Yom Kippur a rewarding fast, and remember that all of you get an extra day to file those 14-point Scrabble neologisms for Week 1402: Deadline is midnight Tuesday, Sept. 29. And on to judging 3,500 horse names!